Untitled

Has it hit you yet?
The weight of it all
desperately seeking
forgiveness from the Creator
because these mistakes we've made seem unforgivable.
we are victims of His hands
molded
placed here to change what we feel is not right
given the strength to achieve freedom through
experiences that attempted to break us
I've grown up amidst these trials
and among the others who have failed
I refuse to let go of this power He has granted me,
the power to say NO, to say
I will always be myself,
Stubborn
afraid to let go of what I've felt before
seemingly stuck between what is right and what is real
if I can feel it then it must be true
like the sensation of His hand on my shoulder
gripping my flesh in order to heal me
from a past that He laid out for me
hoping to teach me something new.
But the path that he shows me
has never gone straight
and as He reaches,
now for my hand
I'm tempted to turn away,
but the reality is too strong
and the past is too dim,
so ankle deep
I tread forward
through footsteps made by Him.
Each step is a journey
see
these steps last an eternity
and it seems like when I look to move forward
something reaches out
pulls my legs from right in front of me
like the sky starts falling
the stars stand in my way
I admit I was distracted by their beauty
this distraction led to the collapse
of my creativity
for a brief moment
it seemed
I would never find my way out
He had a grip on me in the form of Her.
She, she was perfection
and so the story begins once more
sort of like a rebirth
she was my religion and I studied her
ached to learn her ways
down to the beat, beat, beating
of her heart and
between each beat
I counted
the breaths she filled her lungs with
I could feel her creeping through my insides
I blinked, she was the darkness behind my eyes
eyelash flutters like the way my heart did
when she stared into me
darkness turned to light
when she kissed me
she was the only one I saw
standing so tall commanding my attention,
so I thought
this feeling could be
what forever feels like
foreign to the meaning of the word
yet so sure of it,
I had no regrets.
Willing to surrender my understanding
for these seconds with her
were unlike anything which my mind
could recognize,
had the urge to experience it for myself,
it was as if He led her to me and I felt lucky.
because only she,
only she
only she had this effect on my hands
held them from a distance
from afar
I mistook her for an angel
so naturally I reached for her
saw her in my dreams
she consumed me
and I allowed it.
Never before had I lost complete control of my being
I was weak for her.
She mapped out my steps I took before I took them
so if I fell it would be beside her
to my knees I knelt below her
begging for a confession
an acceptance into her existence
as she had nestled her way into mine,
For her I felt more than love,
severed the ties between like and obsession
she was everything
and she knew it.
Living on the trail of her exhales
I no longer breathed my own breath
so when she left
I
I suffocated on the emptiness inside me
stared blankly into myself
searching for a trace of her
she was gone.
However long it took for her to
find her way into me she
destroyed my memory on her way out
left me with a feeling of despair
left me with the smell of her hair
on my pillow and in my soul her scent trailed
long after she ended her life inside me
yet,
I could no longer remember how it felt to be alone.
From this silence I felt
the weight of her body
collapsing into me
she was the pressure that crushed
my insides
left me
to fend for myself
left me
hallow and cold
left me
without a clue as to where she ran
she left me.
And only He could recognize my sorrow
because it was He who brought it upon me
I cursed Him.
He knew where she was.
With no one else to blame
I looked upwards
cursing his name
yearning to spite Him for
causing me this pain
for
leaving me to suffer under his wrath
and then it hit me.
He was the only one who could save me.
It was He who introduced me to
love,
He who introduced me to suffering
I had to thank him for what he had done,
He taught me strength.
Strength to overcome the weaknesses inside of me,
to fill the void she left when she left me
I no longer felt the anger to spite Him,
and instead,
I thanked Him.



~bk.35~






Currently listening to:
Crossroads by Tracy Chapman

Chance

Is this any way to live,
holding on to yesterdays?
This love is so unsafe and I could care less
because with you on my mind
I feel at peace,
everything is right.
I know at the moment I'm your second choice
it's hard knowing that I could have been
the one.
A little bit of forever dangles from my lips with each breath I take.
Inching closer to you,
when neither of us know the right words to say,
If I speak too quickly I could lose my chance,
and at times, your feelings die fast.
Like a flame that wickers in the wind on a candle that illuminates the features on your face that I first fell victim to
On the night we met,
you impressed me with your stature
and your beauty was overwhelming
so we took a walk.
And I grabbed your hand.
Instantly I felt you pry your way into my heart
and envelope my entire being,
had I not been so nervous
I would've said the words I hid on my tongue,
pressed against my teeth.
With feelings so strong
let's fall once again.


~bk.35~






Currently listening to:
My Hand in Yours by Matt White Band

Replay

I've jotted down thousands of words to try and
justify the silence
but it's just too heavy
like a blanket it covers me
and
I could try to draw it out but
the sketches would be nothing compared
to the visions I see inside my head
and the sounds that replay
when I see you and say
a limited number of words so I don't lose your attention
but enough to show you that I'm still here
don't forget me
and don't think I don't notice when you
close your eyes when you speak to me
is it
the way your heart goes back to my embrace
when you see this helpless look on my face
it's yours.
this heart this mind this body
yours.
and others can't compare
when you stand there I
reach my arms out towards the sky and
it kills me to know
that no matter how much love I show
you
you belong to another so far below
me
me I'm only a single being
But if it's joy that you're looking for you won't find it with
...
that one you call your own
when you smile does it feel the same
or do you force it just to play the game
the game of love it could be so easy
you + me = ecstasy beauty harmony
existing for each other
a concept so elusive you lose it when you lost me
or so you thought
but I'm patiently awaiting round two
and for my chance to show you
once again
that I would kiss the stars
and construct the moon
tear the sun in two
shower you with the moisture from the clouds
it pours for you.


~bk.35~






Currently listening to:
Little Black Sandals by Sia

These Hands

The lines on my palms reveal a troubled past
filled with pain and disappointment,
I try to deny it but the truth is inevitable.
Lineaments creased within the trappings of this skin
my hands,
torn with tragedy and forged by torment.
From broken hearts to broken relationships
battered and broken and believe me
I never intended it to be this way.
And if I could change what I've been through,
I'm not sure I would
it's the tragic occurrences that have created these lines
they're beautiful to me,
each one tells a story.
And somehow,
they combine to craft a brand new ending,
one that no one has ever seen or heard before,
these lines are creative and innovative,
unbelievable
mysterious to the naked eye
but they scream so loudly
you can hear their shrills from the depths of my empty heart.
Each one holds a secret
a different chapter to my life.
My hands
strength mightier than a boulder
crushing through barriers,
adding more lines with each thrash,
pummeling,
destroying each obstacle before me.
Fear me
these cracks are real.
Your love was not,
the truth.
Remains in the palm of my hand,
you could once find me
in your palm
begging for your support
but you
so willingly
allowed me to fall through the cracks of your palms.

These creases increased.

Beware my eyes
for behind them is emptiness you cannot see
until you read the lines in my palms.
when my eyes are closed,
my heart is too,
once too willing to settle...
and your slave I am no longer.
These lines will never deepen for you again.
These hands are mine.


~bk.35~





Currently listening to:
Fortress by Pinback

10.000 Miles Above

No one knows the way my eyes burn for you.
With the sight of an angel
too bright for these pupils
it's red, white,
can't see past you.
My mask
tattooed on my face
smile when I think of you
but the ink seeps through these pores
infects my brain
can't handle the nightmares
when the ugliness takes over
you're not with me
God damn you should be;
maybe it's my fault for loving you
from the follicles of your hair
to the edge of your toes,
I never loved another
quite this way,
if I could physically
rip out my heart
for you,
would that change your mind?
Or leave me lifeless
with a stagnant pulse,
I feel nothing
and everything
I walk in circles because I fear change
and I grasp this familiarity
like a line in a song
I repeat in my head
surrounded by words
I refuse to let in,
I write to release
because it's harder to look in your eyes
and say these things to you,
with words on paper I can hide behind the dark ink
so that you can't see my weaknesses
can't wipe my tears,
your touch makes this harder.
I want to live in a dream with you,
it's me against the world,
my world is you.
Conflicted
and these waves keep crashing
wash me up at shore,
you know me better than I do
my independence
held hostage
by an addiction to your attention
I crave you unknowingly,
set sail on your ship,
the one I thought would take me home
instead led me to you,
aching for your drug
I'm an addict for this high,
Hi, my name is _______.
forgot myself in the midst
of this misery,
how could something that gave me so much happiness
give me so much pain?
The answer lost
in the tears I cried
over you,
wear them on my face
sleeves dripping
like a prize
I was given
for allowing this addiction to overcome
me.


~bk.35~






Currently listening to:
Between the Bars by Elliott Smith

Simple

I'm not looking for love,
I've been down that road before
Found no destination.
I've fallen into something that doesn't exist
and the emptiness follows me like a ghost,
like a shadow,
to remind me of all the things I've lost along the way.

Honestly, I find it easy to avoid thinking about you.
It's simple.
If simple means impossible,
then impossible is nothing.

Fingerprints draw broken hearts in the dust that settles on your picture,
torn apart by your urge to find something better out there,
legs chopped off the pedestal I once placed you on
loneliness rages inside me
attempts to singe the remains that have settled in the cracks of my heart.

And to think that love can trump all things,
that's what you said to me, at least.
You saw our hearts dancing eternally to a melody of poetry and a never-ending symphony of laughter and honesty, it would be beautiful music that whets the tongues of critics and observers alike, a marriage of happiness and love.

The record skips.
and suddenly the song is over.

I deserve to fall,
I deserve to feel,
I deserve to know what it's like
to hold onto love like I know I can.
The force that renders us may be strong,
but please let me show you that I can be strong for you, too.


~bk.35~






Currently listening to:
Un-thinkable (I'm Ready) by Alicia Keys

Lost in Love

Before I was graced with the sound of your voice,
I listened to words, yet never truly heard them.
You spoke to me with the sweetest of tones,
swept me off my feet with the breath that trailed each previous word.
Shadowed by the magnificence of your mannerisms which grasped me with this endless sense of beauty that pulled me in deeper and refused to let go.
I lost my sense of all direction;
That maybe there was the slightest possibility I had this same effect on you,
the power to give myself to you,
to surrender myself to you,
to make you realize the magnitude of my love for you,
and the fact that for you, I would have done anything.
Love is patient,
and as each minute passed, I found myself falling deeper and deeper,
forever is not just a word, it's a promise,
my promise to you that I would have waited for you as long as you needed.
The way your eyes and smile coincided when you were overcome with happiness,
the way you smiled when you kissed me was a perfect occurrence that captured me and proved to me that I could have kissed those beautiful lips for the rest of my life.


~bk.35~







Currently listening to:
Little Bit by Lykke Li ft. Drake