Untitled

Has it hit you yet?
The weight of it all
desperately seeking
forgiveness from the Creator
because these mistakes we've made seem unforgivable.
we are victims of His hands
molded
placed here to change what we feel is not right
given the strength to achieve freedom through
experiences that attempted to break us
I've grown up amidst these trials
and among the others who have failed
I refuse to let go of this power He has granted me,
the power to say NO, to say
I will always be myself,
Stubborn
afraid to let go of what I've felt before
seemingly stuck between what is right and what is real
if I can feel it then it must be true
like the sensation of His hand on my shoulder
gripping my flesh in order to heal me
from a past that He laid out for me
hoping to teach me something new.
But the path that he shows me
has never gone straight
and as He reaches,
now for my hand
I'm tempted to turn away,
but the reality is too strong
and the past is too dim,
so ankle deep
I tread forward
through footsteps made by Him.
Each step is a journey
see
these steps last an eternity
and it seems like when I look to move forward
something reaches out
pulls my legs from right in front of me
like the sky starts falling
the stars stand in my way
I admit I was distracted by their beauty
this distraction led to the collapse
of my creativity
for a brief moment
it seemed
I would never find my way out
He had a grip on me in the form of Her.
She, she was perfection
and so the story begins once more
sort of like a rebirth
she was my religion and I studied her
ached to learn her ways
down to the beat, beat, beating
of her heart and
between each beat
I counted
the breaths she filled her lungs with
I could feel her creeping through my insides
I blinked, she was the darkness behind my eyes
eyelash flutters like the way my heart did
when she stared into me
darkness turned to light
when she kissed me
she was the only one I saw
standing so tall commanding my attention,
so I thought
this feeling could be
what forever feels like
foreign to the meaning of the word
yet so sure of it,
I had no regrets.
Willing to surrender my understanding
for these seconds with her
were unlike anything which my mind
could recognize,
had the urge to experience it for myself,
it was as if He led her to me and I felt lucky.
because only she,
only she
only she had this effect on my hands
held them from a distance
from afar
I mistook her for an angel
so naturally I reached for her
saw her in my dreams
she consumed me
and I allowed it.
Never before had I lost complete control of my being
I was weak for her.
She mapped out my steps I took before I took them
so if I fell it would be beside her
to my knees I knelt below her
begging for a confession
an acceptance into her existence
as she had nestled her way into mine,
For her I felt more than love,
severed the ties between like and obsession
she was everything
and she knew it.
Living on the trail of her exhales
I no longer breathed my own breath
so when she left
I
I suffocated on the emptiness inside me
stared blankly into myself
searching for a trace of her
she was gone.
However long it took for her to
find her way into me she
destroyed my memory on her way out
left me with a feeling of despair
left me with the smell of her hair
on my pillow and in my soul her scent trailed
long after she ended her life inside me
yet,
I could no longer remember how it felt to be alone.
From this silence I felt
the weight of her body
collapsing into me
she was the pressure that crushed
my insides
left me
to fend for myself
left me
hallow and cold
left me
without a clue as to where she ran
she left me.
And only He could recognize my sorrow
because it was He who brought it upon me
I cursed Him.
He knew where she was.
With no one else to blame
I looked upwards
cursing his name
yearning to spite Him for
causing me this pain
for
leaving me to suffer under his wrath
and then it hit me.
He was the only one who could save me.
It was He who introduced me to
love,
He who introduced me to suffering
I had to thank him for what he had done,
He taught me strength.
Strength to overcome the weaknesses inside of me,
to fill the void she left when she left me
I no longer felt the anger to spite Him,
and instead,
I thanked Him.



~bk.35~






Currently listening to:
Crossroads by Tracy Chapman