Replay

I've jotted down thousands of words to try and
justify the silence
but it's just too heavy
like a blanket it covers me
and
I could try to draw it out but
the sketches would be nothing compared
to the visions I see inside my head
and the sounds that replay
when I see you and say
a limited number of words so I don't lose your attention
but enough to show you that I'm still here
don't forget me
and don't think I don't notice when you
close your eyes when you speak to me
is it
the way your heart goes back to my embrace
when you see this helpless look on my face
it's yours.
this heart this mind this body
yours.
and others can't compare
when you stand there I
reach my arms out towards the sky and
it kills me to know
that no matter how much love I show
you
you belong to another so far below
me
me I'm only a single being
But if it's joy that you're looking for you won't find it with
...
that one you call your own
when you smile does it feel the same
or do you force it just to play the game
the game of love it could be so easy
you + me = ecstasy beauty harmony
existing for each other
a concept so elusive you lose it when you lost me
or so you thought
but I'm patiently awaiting round two
and for my chance to show you
once again
that I would kiss the stars
and construct the moon
tear the sun in two
shower you with the moisture from the clouds
it pours for you.


~bk.35~






Currently listening to:
Little Black Sandals by Sia

These Hands

The lines on my palms reveal a troubled past
filled with pain and disappointment,
I try to deny it but the truth is inevitable.
Lineaments creased within the trappings of this skin
my hands,
torn with tragedy and forged by torment.
From broken hearts to broken relationships
battered and broken and believe me
I never intended it to be this way.
And if I could change what I've been through,
I'm not sure I would
it's the tragic occurrences that have created these lines
they're beautiful to me,
each one tells a story.
And somehow,
they combine to craft a brand new ending,
one that no one has ever seen or heard before,
these lines are creative and innovative,
unbelievable
mysterious to the naked eye
but they scream so loudly
you can hear their shrills from the depths of my empty heart.
Each one holds a secret
a different chapter to my life.
My hands
strength mightier than a boulder
crushing through barriers,
adding more lines with each thrash,
pummeling,
destroying each obstacle before me.
Fear me
these cracks are real.
Your love was not,
the truth.
Remains in the palm of my hand,
you could once find me
in your palm
begging for your support
but you
so willingly
allowed me to fall through the cracks of your palms.

These creases increased.

Beware my eyes
for behind them is emptiness you cannot see
until you read the lines in my palms.
when my eyes are closed,
my heart is too,
once too willing to settle...
and your slave I am no longer.
These lines will never deepen for you again.
These hands are mine.


~bk.35~





Currently listening to:
Fortress by Pinback

10.000 Miles Above

No one knows the way my eyes burn for you.
With the sight of an angel
too bright for these pupils
it's red, white,
can't see past you.
My mask
tattooed on my face
smile when I think of you
but the ink seeps through these pores
infects my brain
can't handle the nightmares
when the ugliness takes over
you're not with me
God damn you should be;
maybe it's my fault for loving you
from the follicles of your hair
to the edge of your toes,
I never loved another
quite this way,
if I could physically
rip out my heart
for you,
would that change your mind?
Or leave me lifeless
with a stagnant pulse,
I feel nothing
and everything
I walk in circles because I fear change
and I grasp this familiarity
like a line in a song
I repeat in my head
surrounded by words
I refuse to let in,
I write to release
because it's harder to look in your eyes
and say these things to you,
with words on paper I can hide behind the dark ink
so that you can't see my weaknesses
can't wipe my tears,
your touch makes this harder.
I want to live in a dream with you,
it's me against the world,
my world is you.
Conflicted
and these waves keep crashing
wash me up at shore,
you know me better than I do
my independence
held hostage
by an addiction to your attention
I crave you unknowingly,
set sail on your ship,
the one I thought would take me home
instead led me to you,
aching for your drug
I'm an addict for this high,
Hi, my name is _______.
forgot myself in the midst
of this misery,
how could something that gave me so much happiness
give me so much pain?
The answer lost
in the tears I cried
over you,
wear them on my face
sleeves dripping
like a prize
I was given
for allowing this addiction to overcome
me.


~bk.35~






Currently listening to:
Between the Bars by Elliott Smith

Simple

I'm not looking for love,
I've been down that road before
Found no destination.
I've fallen into something that doesn't exist
and the emptiness follows me like a ghost,
like a shadow,
to remind me of all the things I've lost along the way.

Honestly, I find it easy to avoid thinking about you.
It's simple.
If simple means impossible,
then impossible is nothing.

Fingerprints draw broken hearts in the dust that settles on your picture,
torn apart by your urge to find something better out there,
legs chopped off the pedestal I once placed you on
loneliness rages inside me
attempts to singe the remains that have settled in the cracks of my heart.

And to think that love can trump all things,
that's what you said to me, at least.
You saw our hearts dancing eternally to a melody of poetry and a never-ending symphony of laughter and honesty, it would be beautiful music that whets the tongues of critics and observers alike, a marriage of happiness and love.

The record skips.
and suddenly the song is over.

I deserve to fall,
I deserve to feel,
I deserve to know what it's like
to hold onto love like I know I can.
The force that renders us may be strong,
but please let me show you that I can be strong for you, too.


~bk.35~






Currently listening to:
Un-thinkable (I'm Ready) by Alicia Keys

Lost in Love

Before I was graced with the sound of your voice,
I listened to words, yet never truly heard them.
You spoke to me with the sweetest of tones,
swept me off my feet with the breath that trailed each previous word.
Shadowed by the magnificence of your mannerisms which grasped me with this endless sense of beauty that pulled me in deeper and refused to let go.
I lost my sense of all direction;
That maybe there was the slightest possibility I had this same effect on you,
the power to give myself to you,
to surrender myself to you,
to make you realize the magnitude of my love for you,
and the fact that for you, I would have done anything.
Love is patient,
and as each minute passed, I found myself falling deeper and deeper,
forever is not just a word, it's a promise,
my promise to you that I would have waited for you as long as you needed.
The way your eyes and smile coincided when you were overcome with happiness,
the way you smiled when you kissed me was a perfect occurrence that captured me and proved to me that I could have kissed those beautiful lips for the rest of my life.


~bk.35~







Currently listening to:
Little Bit by Lykke Li ft. Drake

Dark Horse

[[12 days...be home soon.]]



I'm drawn to your irregularities
and the fact that I can't read your feelings
This loss of control is no disaster
my heart beats faster.
I can't shake this attraction
my emotions explode with insatiable passion,
your name is the sweetest melody
the song that sweeps me off my feet
trickles chills down my spine,
I tremble.
Crushed.
Burrowed in the abysmal distance
that renders us,
digging for any notion that this love still exists
the sand drips through your fingers
and you pocket the debris.
In one stroke,
I could paint you the sky.
It wouldn't be a masterpiece
but it would be eternal
like the flame in my heart
that rages stronger with time
the flame that burns only for you.


~bk.35~






Currently listening to:
Where I Stood by Missy Higgins

you like me

You said that what we have
it's young love,
and if that's what it is,
I don't want to grow older.
And I know it will hurt
but I'm willing to deal with the pain,
just as long as you are in my arms
at the end of the day.
You say you love my smile
It's like this mouth was made for you.
And I know you aren't hungry for some corny lines
So to you I speak from the heart.
I want to send you a letter every time you cross my mind
...want to fill your mailbox with junk that only makes sense to us
green beans and skunks
overflow your inbox
make sure you don't forget I'm here.
Your voice fills my ears
when I wake up you're all I see
like a flashlight in a dark room you arrest my vision.
And like sight I can't grab you when I want to
but your picture will be my saving grace.
I like you too, you said.
I hold onto those words
just to survive.

~bk.35~






Currently listening to:
Yellow by Coldplay