Conditional

**Disclaimer**
This is a work in progress.
Let me know what you think so far.


14 years young with a long life ahead of me,
living each day with a secret weighing heavy,
my shoulders knew the truth,
but my body wasn't the enemy.

Each time I dropped a hint,
you shoved it back in my face.
if you're a dyke, you aren't my daughter,
you don't belong in this place.

This place I called home,
I never knew why,
'cause it's this place I called home,
where I learned how to lie.

I went so far as to tease you,
Got myself a boyfriend just to please you.
You claimed I had an attitude problem,
I was merely afraid of you.

The night I came out was the same night
I was eating Pinkberry in the Vans store
trying on jeans that were loose instead of tight.

I dropped the cup on the floor
when you reached for a bite.

Thus began the fight
that took three years to make right.

Round one,
you went so far as to say,
people wouldn't like me
if they found out I was this way,
that everyone who I considered a friend,
would shun me
when they found out I was gay.

14 years old,
the young me took a backseat
to an innocent girl
who wanted to be loved, respected, accepted,
forced to grow up in a matter of seconds.

If you didn't love me than who would?

You told me to call you
when I grew out of this phase,
you began counting the days,
and every fight ended the same;
with tears in my eyes and your incessant denying:

"if you were gay, you wouldn't be crying".

If the truth shall set you free,
I would've rather been chained.
God made me this way
and for that I'm not ashamed.


There's no "love" in conditional.

~bk.35~






Currently listening to:
Sail Away by David Gray

Pins and Needles

I should be telling you I love you
but the truth is,
I wouldn't mean it.
The way you wrap yourself around me,
your serenity.
How the smallest words I say
mean the most to you,
I wish I meant it,
but the truth is,
I'm lost right now,
and not even love can guide me,
my atmosphere is obscured,
pricked by pins and needles,
anguish permeates the space between us,
you kiss me,
I feel nothing.
I'm not your baby
and I never will be.
A vacant promise is not a promise at all,
I've plucked the strings of your heart,
this guitar is out of tune.
Are you drawn to me or to my misery?
Do you crave my love
or are you trying to fix me?
I was better off before.
I'm not the most beautiful girl you've ever seen.
If I'm crushing you,
then I'm doing my job.
I bet you won't love me now.


~bk.35~





Currently listening to:
Loving You by Paolo Nutini

nine letter word

My insecurities suffocate the words I yearn to release,
the words that give meaning to the pain that I've buried within.

I want you to see me but I can barely see myself,
these walls seal me shut,

I scream LET ME OUT!
but there is no echo.

Only empty wavelengths of sound.

I imagine a world where my mind is free to explore,
to understand what these eyes have seen.

To understand who defines me,
who shatters me,
who leaves me here to suffer unwillingly.

A breath of hollow nothingness,
shadows creep amongst the ghosts that haunt me.

Aching for a combination of letters to help me understand
why I consume myself in the negativity.

Time cannot heal these wounds.

My existence is no longer marked by two hands on a clock,
but by the two hands you used
to tear me apart.

~bk.35~





Currently listening to:
One Sweet Love by Sara Bareilles