Shallow

I fell for who I wanted you to be
and I caught myself.
See it seems so stupid now,
broken promises sting me like a stolen heart
still plastered on these walls,
decorated so elegantly by your deceitful successes,
now I know how it feels to be alone,
and at least I have the loneliness to keep me warm at night.
See what we had,
it was a sequence of traps we laid out for each other,
and we took the plunge together.
Like two fools
who had never experienced passion
it was like diving head first into a pool of empty words,
nearly cracked my head on all the lies
scattered beneath the surface, SHALLOW.
as soon as we began learning each other’s tendencies
the end was approaching faster than I could scream “I LOVE YOU”.
See you begged me to trust you
and silly me to believe it.
I opened up slowly
like elevator doors,
you stepped in and pressed all my buttons,
I was stuck on you.
And maybe I should’ve followed the warning signs
rather than ignore each one as we fell another level,
my instincts weakened as you became my everything,
I trusted you.
With my whole heart,
I trusted you.
And you ask me why I’m closed off?
It’s girls like you, girls who ask for a taste
but can’t bear the sweetness,
the type who ache to try but never to buy
see I’m not saying I can be purchased,
but I’ve seen enough false advertisements
to know the difference between paper and plastic
and I may have fell victim to it once or twice before,
but it’s never been enough to stifle my vision
to blur the difference between fact and fiction.
and I can’t help but ask
if it was really you that I tasted on your lips.
And you let me blame myself.
How selfish is the word “LOVE”
when you used it to use me,
when you used it to abuse me,
not with fists but with lack of explanation
and meaningless conversation.
Couldn’t quite decipher what exactly I did wrong,
but months have passed ,
and you’ve already pushed me aside
ran back to the one
who caused each tear I brushed from your eyes,
It’s beyond the point of heartbreak.
See bold confessions leave lasting impressions,
and you’d think after enough times,
I would learn my lesson.
Your ability to let go so easily
made me wonder if you ever really felt a thing for me
in the first place.
All I have left to say to you is this,
never admit to the mistakes you’ve made in the past
if you intend to repeat them in the future.


~bk.35~





Currently listening to:
Edge of Desire by John Mayer

Dreaming

If I fell asleep in your arms,
would you dream with me?
Would you rock my body till I closed my eyes
and nestled my legs between your thighs?
Could you warm my toes with your presence
or envelope my hands with only your essence?
Am I free to speak openly
when I talk in my sleep,
will you reply with sweet nothings that may not rhyme?
I love to hear you in the depths of my thoughts,
love to be surrounded by only you,
see I'm so close to falling,
asleep that is,
and the comfort of your embrace lets me know that you'll catch me.


~bk.35~






Currently listening to:
I Am by Train

I Tried

Sometimes I wonder why I try
It's like I'm forcing myself not to think about you
when I know the thought of me hasn't crossed your mind.
How would you feel if I just called it off?
I'm loosely holding on to nothing
and lately I've been questioning your motives.
See I could give my all to you if you'd let me,
right now it feels like
all you want to do is forget me.
Forget me.
Come back when you're ready,
maybe by then I'll have realized that I don't need you.
My heart beat fine before you
it'll stay steady when I'm without you.
So let this be a lesson:
When you have something good,
don't let it get away.
Waiting for you to want me hurts the most,
hanging on when I know you've let go.
This rope dangles from nothingness
yet I continue ascending,
maybe it's just my way of pretending,
my way of protecting
this fragile heart that you so effortlessly rip apart.
You claimed we were moving too fast,
your first instinct was to step back,
away from me, away from this.
Every conversation is a fight
and I'm already shaking from the pounding of your gloves to my head;
I'm down for the count.
Couldn't last all 10 rounds
'cause the pain keeps building high enough to reach the ceiling,
relinquish this feeling.
I told you before that I'm not out to hurt you,
I'm just confused,
conflicted,
baby how the hell do I please you?
Let it go,
my conscience throbs as I throw
these thoughts of you to the back of my head
just so they're there,
I don't have to forget them yet.
If it's force you're feeling,
then you have a choice
and I do too.
I have a say,
and right now I'm not okay.
Could you please drop your pride
so I can pry my way into your mind,
I may not find
what I'm searching for,
but at least I tried.


~bk.35~





Currently listening to:
Breathe by Colbie Caillat

Untitled

Has it hit you yet?
The weight of it all
desperately seeking
forgiveness from the Creator
because these mistakes we've made seem unforgivable.
we are victims of His hands
molded
placed here to change what we feel is not right
given the strength to achieve freedom through
experiences that attempted to break us
I've grown up amidst these trials
and among the others who have failed
I refuse to let go of this power He has granted me,
the power to say NO, to say
I will always be myself,
Stubborn
afraid to let go of what I've felt before
seemingly stuck between what is right and what is real
if I can feel it then it must be true
like the sensation of His hand on my shoulder
gripping my flesh in order to heal me
from a past that He laid out for me
hoping to teach me something new.
But the path that he shows me
has never gone straight
and as He reaches,
now for my hand
I'm tempted to turn away,
but the reality is too strong
and the past is too dim,
so ankle deep
I tread forward
through footsteps made by Him.
Each step is a journey
see
these steps last an eternity
and it seems like when I look to move forward
something reaches out
pulls my legs from right in front of me
like the sky starts falling
the stars stand in my way
I admit I was distracted by their beauty
this distraction led to the collapse
of my creativity
for a brief moment
it seemed
I would never find my way out
He had a grip on me in the form of Her.
She, she was perfection
and so the story begins once more
sort of like a rebirth
she was my religion and I studied her
ached to learn her ways
down to the beat, beat, beating
of her heart and
between each beat
I counted
the breaths she filled her lungs with
I could feel her creeping through my insides
I blinked, she was the darkness behind my eyes
eyelash flutters like the way my heart did
when she stared into me
darkness turned to light
when she kissed me
she was the only one I saw
standing so tall commanding my attention,
so I thought
this feeling could be
what forever feels like
foreign to the meaning of the word
yet so sure of it,
I had no regrets.
Willing to surrender my understanding
for these seconds with her
were unlike anything which my mind
could recognize,
had the urge to experience it for myself,
it was as if He led her to me and I felt lucky.
because only she,
only she
only she had this effect on my hands
held them from a distance
from afar
I mistook her for an angel
so naturally I reached for her
saw her in my dreams
she consumed me
and I allowed it.
Never before had I lost complete control of my being
I was weak for her.
She mapped out my steps I took before I took them
so if I fell it would be beside her
to my knees I knelt below her
begging for a confession
an acceptance into her existence
as she had nestled her way into mine,
For her I felt more than love,
severed the ties between like and obsession
she was everything
and she knew it.
Living on the trail of her exhales
I no longer breathed my own breath
so when she left
I
I suffocated on the emptiness inside me
stared blankly into myself
searching for a trace of her
she was gone.
However long it took for her to
find her way into me she
destroyed my memory on her way out
left me with a feeling of despair
left me with the smell of her hair
on my pillow and in my soul her scent trailed
long after she ended her life inside me
yet,
I could no longer remember how it felt to be alone.
From this silence I felt
the weight of her body
collapsing into me
she was the pressure that crushed
my insides
left me
to fend for myself
left me
hallow and cold
left me
without a clue as to where she ran
she left me.
And only He could recognize my sorrow
because it was He who brought it upon me
I cursed Him.
He knew where she was.
With no one else to blame
I looked upwards
cursing his name
yearning to spite Him for
causing me this pain
for
leaving me to suffer under his wrath
and then it hit me.
He was the only one who could save me.
It was He who introduced me to
love,
He who introduced me to suffering
I had to thank him for what he had done,
He taught me strength.
Strength to overcome the weaknesses inside of me,
to fill the void she left when she left me
I no longer felt the anger to spite Him,
and instead,
I thanked Him.



~bk.35~






Currently listening to:
Crossroads by Tracy Chapman

Chance

Is this any way to live,
holding on to yesterdays?
This love is so unsafe and I could care less
because with you on my mind
I feel at peace,
everything is right.
I know at the moment I'm your second choice
it's hard knowing that I could have been
the one.
A little bit of forever dangles from my lips with each breath I take.
Inching closer to you,
when neither of us know the right words to say,
If I speak too quickly I could lose my chance,
and at times, your feelings die fast.
Like a flame that wickers in the wind on a candle that illuminates the features on your face that I first fell victim to
On the night we met,
you impressed me with your stature
and your beauty was overwhelming
so we took a walk.
And I grabbed your hand.
Instantly I felt you pry your way into my heart
and envelope my entire being,
had I not been so nervous
I would've said the words I hid on my tongue,
pressed against my teeth.
With feelings so strong
let's fall once again.


~bk.35~






Currently listening to:
My Hand in Yours by Matt White Band

Replay

I've jotted down thousands of words to try and
justify the silence
but it's just too heavy
like a blanket it covers me
and
I could try to draw it out but
the sketches would be nothing compared
to the visions I see inside my head
and the sounds that replay
when I see you and say
a limited number of words so I don't lose your attention
but enough to show you that I'm still here
don't forget me
and don't think I don't notice when you
close your eyes when you speak to me
is it
the way your heart goes back to my embrace
when you see this helpless look on my face
it's yours.
this heart this mind this body
yours.
and others can't compare
when you stand there I
reach my arms out towards the sky and
it kills me to know
that no matter how much love I show
you
you belong to another so far below
me
me I'm only a single being
But if it's joy that you're looking for you won't find it with
...
that one you call your own
when you smile does it feel the same
or do you force it just to play the game
the game of love it could be so easy
you + me = ecstasy beauty harmony
existing for each other
a concept so elusive you lose it when you lost me
or so you thought
but I'm patiently awaiting round two
and for my chance to show you
once again
that I would kiss the stars
and construct the moon
tear the sun in two
shower you with the moisture from the clouds
it pours for you.


~bk.35~






Currently listening to:
Little Black Sandals by Sia

These Hands

The lines on my palms reveal a troubled past
filled with pain and disappointment,
I try to deny it but the truth is inevitable.
Lineaments creased within the trappings of this skin
my hands,
torn with tragedy and forged by torment.
From broken hearts to broken relationships
battered and broken and believe me
I never intended it to be this way.
And if I could change what I've been through,
I'm not sure I would
it's the tragic occurrences that have created these lines
they're beautiful to me,
each one tells a story.
And somehow,
they combine to craft a brand new ending,
one that no one has ever seen or heard before,
these lines are creative and innovative,
unbelievable
mysterious to the naked eye
but they scream so loudly
you can hear their shrills from the depths of my empty heart.
Each one holds a secret
a different chapter to my life.
My hands
strength mightier than a boulder
crushing through barriers,
adding more lines with each thrash,
pummeling,
destroying each obstacle before me.
Fear me
these cracks are real.
Your love was not,
the truth.
Remains in the palm of my hand,
you could once find me
in your palm
begging for your support
but you
so willingly
allowed me to fall through the cracks of your palms.

These creases increased.

Beware my eyes
for behind them is emptiness you cannot see
until you read the lines in my palms.
when my eyes are closed,
my heart is too,
once too willing to settle...
and your slave I am no longer.
These lines will never deepen for you again.
These hands are mine.


~bk.35~





Currently listening to:
Fortress by Pinback